Can't teach an old dog new technology

In the foyer of my Plano home, there is a memorial to a time when modern technology did not rule the day. On a table, surrounded by old family photos, stands a Royal manual typewriter. It looks as if it came from the 1950s and is quite a bit more modern than a 1930s model I have stashed somewhere among my junk sitting in two storage units and the confines of the garage (one’s permanently attached storage unit).
I glance at it often as I exit and enter the house, wondering if it would still be able to bang out a quality piece of writing and could still fill the air with the crisp ratt-a-tat-tat staccato that only came from a typewriter on deadline. So long as the ink hasn’t completely dried up on the monochrome cloth ribbon, I probably could have easily done this column on just such a unit.
Alas, for Christmas, my loving wife gave me the one thing I probably didn’t want and certainly could have done without – a new cell phone. I had fought long and hard against obtaining the old one, but she convinced me that it would save money (as our long distance provider) and would be handy in cases of emergency. So I was the good husband, which meant mumbling lots of “Yes, dear” and an equal amount of “Oh, well” in accepting my technological fate.
I have happily drawn the line on other things. I refuse to have one of those Palm Pilots or blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, Burberrys … whatever you call those odd-looking communication devices that no more resemble a telephone than I resemble Brad Pitt.
Besides, what ever happened to having a good telephone? Why has it become necessary to have these things perform so many non-communication functions, such as transporting photos, videos, Mpegs, M3s and playing video games? Whatever happened to the simple ability of talking to another human being at one time? And what is the politically correct term? Wireless? Mobile? Cell? Appendage?
My wife then gleefully demonstrated the various (and annoying) ways the thing could “ring.” It played Tchaikovsky’s “Nutcracker Suite,” some jazz piece, a bad version of “Happy Birthday,” the sounds of birds chirping and cats meowing thinking about dining on those birds and horns blasting.
“What about a plain old phone ringing sound?” I asked.
“I don’t think that’s included,” she responded, much to my chagrin. Great - a phone that refuses to sound like a phone.
I wish society had never introduced cell phones to the public. I can certainly do without the site of people driving in full inattention while engrossed in conversation with their hands cupped to their ears. I hate having to hear random discussions between total strangers while in the grocery line, down the dairy aisle, in department stores and at baseball games. What ever happened to my right to avoid your privacy?
If the Federal Aviation Administration actually relaxes its rules to permit full usage of cell phones on domestic flights, it will be one more nail in their carriers’ coffin – at least for me to fly again. Secondhand smoke was outlawed because of its harmful affects; secondhand phone pollution is no less toxic to one’s mental well-being.
I hope I’m not alone thinking like this. I mentally sigh at the thought. Having passed the half-century mark on this earth, I truly long for the days (and “daze”) when technology did not rule every aspect of our lives. I miss movies that were made as real movies, without blue screens and digitally-enhanced special effects that mean some geek can create a film without getting out of his chair. The calculator was fine and dandy for helping the process, but we seem to have downgraded learning the foundation of mathematics in favor of building the better (and cheaper) calculator that STILL won’t balance your checking account.
My wife’s giving me that look of disdain for being included in this piece. I’m in trouble. So her goes, “Honey, I love this gift. It’s so … cute; just like Captain Kirk’s phaser gun. Thank you SOOO much!”
I hope she bought that. Until then, I will give my Royal a hero’s salute. To a fonder time long ago, and far, far away. Before Star Trek went digital.