Ten Simple Rules About Going to the Movies

Gosh, I love going to the movies. I studied the history and art of cinema in college. I read everything about the careers of James Cagney, Edward G. Robinson and Humphrey Bogart. I learned about Orson Welles’ camera techniques during “Citizen Kane” and how revolutionary they were.
I can tell you about how despicable and brilliant John Wayne’s performance was in John Ford’s “The Searchers.” I can almost recite every line of George Lucas’ “American Graffiti.” And I can debate, for hours, the best, worst and most underrated movies of the past century.
But the best part is going to see them in their natural habitat – with a large screen and superior sound system. I am not one who prefers to see them in letterbox form off some DVD while sitting in my easy chair. A movie experience was meant to be seen in a continuous motion; not with a pause button so Grandpa can go get salami on rye sandwich in mid-sentence.
Hence, I have formulated these 10 simple rules (to borrow someone else’s concept, sorry) about how to act inside a movie theater.
10) Know WHAT you are going to see. Don’t window shop; there are other people in line, you know …. waiting for you to make up your mind.
9) Arrive before the movie starts. You can read viewing times in the newspaper, online or get them by phone. So you have no excuse to be late and no right to complain (often far too loudly) when all the best seats are already taken. That’s YOUR fault for showing up late.
8) If you’ve already seen the movie, keep all the pertinent script surprises to yourself; unless it’s historical. While waiting for “Titanic” tickets, I remarked to a friend, “I wonder how they’ll handle the sinking of the ship.” Two girls in front of me then started screaming that I had ruined the whole movie for them. AT that moment, I wondered aloud about how much history was being taught in our schools. I decided the answer was “very little.”
7) Go to the bathroom before the feature begins. No one likes the down-the-aisle-in-the-dark interruption once the lights go down.
6) Tell theater management (and do it often) that you want to see fewer commercials … as in none … and more previews. If commercials must be shown, ask for one not already flooding the television every other minute.
5) Try eating a little more quietly. The rustling of papers and cellophane wrappers in other people’s ears is annoying. And stop buying those smelly sour dill pickles. They’re gross and there is no way to consume them without looking obscene. If you won’t buy them, they will disappear.
4) Do not bring toddlers or very young children to R-rated, violent films. To me, that’s a form of child abuse. They get exposed to the wrong images because Mom and Dad are too lazy to find someone to watch over the child for two hours. Sorry, it’s the price of parenthood.
I was at the local Dollar Theater recently, seeing a critically-acclaimed but very R-rated movie and had to endure a 2-year-old, not only a few seats away, but allowed to run free among the patrons by his “I-couldn’t-care-less” brain-dead mother. It was all I could do to resist slapping the shit out of her, or at least chew her up one side and down the other. And it happens more often than people realize.
3) Do not bring ANY infants to the theater! They cry in the dark and they scream at sudden noises. So why subject everyone to your laziness because you won’t obtain a babysitter? Again, it’s NOT a day care center (which might be a major attendance enticement if offered by the theater).
2) Turn off your cell phone! The screen alone is like a car dealer’s searchlight and is very distracting to everyone around you. No message is THAT important and if it is, what are you doing at a movie anyway? And for God sake’s, don’t hold a conversation inside the theater. That’s as rude as it gets, asshole!
1) Shut the fuck up! It’s a movie theater, not your living room. Show some common courtesy and keep quiet once the movie begins!
Finally, if Hollywood would like to know how to increase its revenue, do the simple thing – lower ticket prices. So-called “bargain” matinee prices are what used to pass for prime time charges just a year or two ago.
And if anyone doubts the positive affect such a move would have, just ask General Motors how its incentive plan worked to sell thousands of additional units.
Then follow these rules and everyone, including me, will enjoy themselves much more.