Monday, June 11, 2012

Gotta love them Texas Republicans

Just when the temperatures start on the incline toward suppression, and the muscles around the mouth start dropping downward, up steps my favorite source of sustained humor – Republicans! Here in Texas, we possess a particular hilarious group of GOPers who are dying to move the state and all people back to the 50s – when Rock Hudson (not yet gay enough) ruled the land in”Giant.” It was a time when whites dominated, blacks and Hispanics had NO rights whatsoever and Texas A&M had no women in its ranks!
According to Christy Hoppe, of the Dallas Morning News, is the paper’s Trail Blazer blog (one of the few things free to the public), the following items compose much of the Texas Republican Party’s platform for 2012, after adoption at the GOP convention in Fort Worth. Actually, according to video and reporting, it was an old, white person Tea Party gathering, complete with booing of the Governor (Rick Perry) for supporting David Dewhurst to be U.S. Senator, and for not backing Tea Party darling Ted Cruz (former Texas Secretary of State, meaning he hasn’t run for anything in his life).
These people don’t want to support anything deemed progressive or which requires spending one cent of their precious money (except when THEY directly benefit from that outlay). If left to their own devices, poor people would disappear from their sight, no one would pay any taxes but all public services would have to be provided (like police, ambulance and fire … but without actually paying them).
They are dying to tell OTHERS what to do and how to lie but don’t you dare apply the same standard to them – after all, they are Uh-MARR-i-kins!
Here’s what the 22-page Texas GOP platform includes:
Opposition to homosexuality, gay rights and multi-cultural studies (white history only)
Denial of public schooling to children of illegal immigrants (white education only)
Defense of the borders (Is Canada about to attack?)
Issuance of drivers licenses denoting citizenship (crossover into federal authority and implementation of a national ID … just like old EUROPE)
Actually seek a temporary worker program (making illegals semi-legal if no Americans will do certain work with NO penalties whatsoever to employers of undocumented workers)
Make the Republican majority in the State House of Representatives meet and, by secret vote, select one of their (Tea Party) own and then force all members to vote for whomever is selected (you know, democracy at work)
Condemnation of the Trans-Texas Corridor initiative (of course, it’s a dead horse but go ahead and beat it some more)
The state Education Commissioner should be selected by the elected State Board of Education instead of the governor (There’s another “Oops” directed toward Perry)
No new taxes (of any kind for any reason - cut taxes while spending more money on wars fought by someone else - not the Tea Party)
Capping state spending based on a population-plus-inflation formula (funny, the population has grown by large double figures in the past decade or so, but inflation doesn’t really exist)
Cutting more than last session’s $5 billion to public schools and higher education – at all levels (because the Tea Party doesn’t care about future generations and how ignorant they are in the basics; hell, being 28th in the world in math and science is just fine to these old peckerwoods)
Term limits for elected officials (except for the old farts the Tea Party keeps electing over and over and over – such as 80-year-old Sam Johnson from Plano who should be in a retirement home by now, not as Congressman in D.C.)
Repeal of the federal Voting Rights Act (no more voting rights for minorities)
Disbanding the Transportation Safety Administration, leaving airport security to local and state law enforcement (because Barney Fife will protect us from terrorists, right?)
Labeling of all products containing genetically-modified organisms (such as “shit for brains?”)
Phasing out Social Security to private pension accounts (because those banks are SO DAMN reliable with our money)
The right to refuse any immunizations (because we certainly enjoyed having diseases like small pox, polio, diphtheria and others conquered maladies around to endanger all of us)
Repeal of the state Dream Act (slap in the face of ex-President George W., this was HIS baby)
Emphasize that evolution and global warming should be challenged as scientific theories (again, let’s substitute fact with fiction, theory with superstition, speaking from knowledge with talking in tongues)
Oppose mandatory kindergarten (Tea Partiers don’t have children that age so what do they care?)
Abolish the IRS to be replaced with national sales tax (Yadda-yadda-yadda, turn the page)
Get out of the United Nations (calling John Birch!)
Denial of domestic partnership benefits (probably with the lone exception for Tea Partiers who do the exact same thing as same-sex partners for the exact same reasons)
Make it legal for businesses to discriminate against gay employees or customers (because gay people are the new African-Americans from the 1950s; of course, a lot of businesses would lose a lot of business)
Eliminate prohibitions on corporal discipline for schools and foster parents (sure, let’s beat the hell out of children, even if it borders on criminal assault and attempted murder).
My guess is the national Republicans will employ many of these jokes into their platforms in a few months over in Tampa. And Mitt Romney will support all of them while trying at the same time to deny knowing what’s IN his party’s platform. Doesn’t matter anyway, he’ll just buy his way out of it, or lie his way out of it.
Oh, boy, more humor on its way!

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