Thursday, August 25, 2011

Jewish girls NEVER looked like this …

Surfing the Internet proves a zillion opportunities to learn something….seriously.
The other day, I discovered that one of the most gorgeous women in Hollywood – actress Mila Kunis – she of “That 70s Show” and “The Story of Eli” and “Friends With Benefits” fame – is …. (wait for it) … Jewish!
I said to myself, “Self, this shiksa is Jewish?!?!”
Indeed, this Russian-born hottie is, as they say, a member of the tribe. And as I surfed further and farther, I learned she was not alone as a team player. Scarlett Johansson (“Lost in Translation”) is Jewish; as is Rachel Bilson (“The O.C.”), Amanda Bynes, Rashida Jones (“Parks and Recreation”), Rachel Weisz (Oscar-winner and in the two “The Mummy” remakes), Emmauelle Chriqui (“Entourage”) and … of course, Jerusalem-born Natalie Portman, the Oscar winner for “Black Swan.” Add to the list a convert, very blonde but now very Jewish Elizabeth Banks (“Zack and Mimi Make a Porno” and “Invincible”).
I said to myself, “Self, where were these women when I was young and full of life and single and hornier than a TCU mascot?”
Either in public school, my neighborhood in Detroit on at my temple did I ever, EVER see anyone who even approached any of these extremely attractive and (I must say) non-semetic looking Jewish women. They either possessed a nose emblematic of Barbra Streisand (who IS stunning, actually, even at her current age) or looked too much like Joan Rivers (who would frighten blind people).
Aside from the ever-present Jewish-American princes syndrome that forever gripped young women of the day (an inherited disease passed along through the mother), there was a missing quality about most of them – sexiness. I seldom looked at a Jewish girl, even in high school, and thought, “WOW!” I know I was not anyone’s Cary Grant (not Jewish) or John Garfield (real name: Julius Garfinkel, VERY Jewish), but I knew what I liked back then and no one tipped the scales like they do today.
One biography intrigued me; Rashida Jones is Jewish because her mother is Jewish. But how can that be? She’s the daughter of musician Quincy Jones and former 60s “Mod Squad” beauty Peggy Lipton – the quintessential California shiksa blonde (long hair, willowy features, mysterious eyes). Peggy Lipton?!?! JEWISH?!?!!? How could I not know? Why didn’t someone tell me for goodness sake?
My research simply proves that no one can judge a book, or a Torah (reader), by its cover. I just wish the covers looked as good back then as they do today.
Oy vay! I knew I liked the “Mod Squad” for SOME reason…


Anonymous said...

Fun and interesting topic. But if my grandfather talked this way, I would have self-esteem issues. Pretty negative comments about Jewish women in general, and about your hormonal self wondering where these gorgeous Jewish girls were when you were in high school. They were probably there, but running away from you for objectifying them and thinking so lowly of their Jewish sisters.

Anonymous said...

That's like asking, where were George Clooney and Johnny Depp when I was growing up in Kentucky? Most people in Kentucky don't look like that, because the thing about movie stars is that they're better looking than people who are not movie stars.

Anonymous said...

Chuck, hopefully you won't say such things to your granddaughter, you will certainly screw up her self esteem. Jewish women don't need your judgments. I guess you're the douche bag Jewish guy I unfortunately keep hearing about and meeting around new York.