Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Confessions of a Marxist

If I ever lose my mind completely, and decide to run for political office (again – been there, stupidly did that as a city councilman for a small town in south Texas), I will gladly make the following confession … so the likes of Glenn Beck will feel good about themselves when they dissect people they don’t know but want to tear down anyway.
I am a Marxist – through and through. Now before you bend over to pick up your crest-fallen jaw, I must explain. I do NOT subscribe to the writings and theories of Karl Marx (sorry, to disappoint you Glenn); I follow the wisdom of that great American, Julius Henry Marx, best known to y’all as Groucho.
In his 86 years (October 2, 1890-August 19, 1977) of entertainment and dispensing of knowledge, Groucho did more to enlighten the masses than ANY politician, author, philosopher (short of Mark Twain) and statesman. He knew more, and knew how to get his point across, than any American before … since.
He didn’t take himself too seriously and took those who did even less. He’d have a field day with the current crop of Fox News know-it-alls like Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck and half of the folks on CNN and MSNBC, too. He’d already have reduced a simpleton like Sarah Palin to a bowl of quivering jelly and no one, regardless of party affiliation, would have been spared.
As it should be. So here’s his viewpoints and credos on several issues of the day (and today):
“All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.”
“Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.”
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old and I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday, from 7:30 to 8, to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.”
“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child; I can’t make head nor tail out of it.”
“I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago ... I shot my broker.”
“Blood’s not thicker than money.”
Health care
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
“I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
The arts
“I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.”
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and usually does.”
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”
Homeland security
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife.”
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
“The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.”
“Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”
“I’ve known and respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.”
“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.”
“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!”
“How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them.”
“A woman is an occasional pleasure … but a cigar is always a smoke.”
“Man does not control his own fate; the women in his life do that for him.”
“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Family values
“I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.”
“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”
Senior citizenry
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”
“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”
“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”
“There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit ... retire!”
“No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.”
Trash talking (before it was fashionable)
“Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.”
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Remember men, you’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.”
“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.”
“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many men in this room and I think it’s you.”
“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
“I married your mother because I wanted children; imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
Random pearls of wisdom
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
“I would never join a club that would have me as a member.”
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”
“Humor is reason gone mad.”
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be.
“Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”
“My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he’s a crook.”
“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them, I have others.”
“Time wounds all heels.”
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
“Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”

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